I find it difficult not to write about her. Even so, today I will refrain from telling about her and instead just post pictures of her from yesterday and today.
Lately I have felt like the environment's worst enemy. I have bought several flight tickets, bus tickets just for my own sake of enjoyment. I remember telling myself many times that the next time I'm taking off it shall be for professional/educational purposes. Oh look at that, not happening. I doubt that I'm actually the environment's biggest problem but it seems that I am my biggest problem.
Living with the constant feeling of contradiction is tiring. It is fulfilling too, no doubt, I would have not experienced some of my best times without its hold over me. By contradiction I mean two opposing ideas which clash, often beyond your will.
For me, my greatest contradiction in life, among multiple number of other less ground breaking ones, is security vs. adventure. The way it displays itself most prominently in my life is the fact that at the same time I want 1) a secure home where I can invest on books, records, kitchen commodities, quality furniture, career and important relationships, and 2) to feel free, untied, go around, learn new languages, taste wines in their spot of origin, miss home and my people at home and return home just to miss being away again.
The two opposing ideas just don't seem to match. Sure, in some ways I have been able to combine these two. For the very most part of my life I have been relatively stable when it comes to living in different places, by places here I mean different countries or towns. And I have been fortunate to travel too. But really, I mean really, five years is the longest I have lived in one home and that was from the age 7 until 12. Praises for that, very important time for my development I'm sure.
It is not only my social life or my material life which suffers (albeit, the benefits are countless). All in all I have a hard time making long term commitments, decisions. Sometimes I think I sacrifice my potential for the sake of being this rootless being with a confused mind, yet twisted-ly rooted hard on the ground of my ancestors.
It would be easy to blame my parents for my restless mind and my vulnerable heart. And I gotta admit, I find pleasure in blaming them or any reason other than myself for anything and everything I lack of or suffer of. However, it is me I am set against.
My oh my, I thought I went through all this pain in my teenage years but who woulda known, I'm still struggling. When the time comes to make decisions, I hope I’m ready.
Now listening: I against I by Mos Def & Massive Attack